Saturday, May 8, 2010

Painful Realizations and Confessions

First of all a tangent: trying to reset my password was like trying to recover the Holy Grail. Sheesh.

I have depression. I also live with (and cope with) crippling anxiety and panic disorder with a minor case of OCD thrown in for good measure. The depression is under control and really only rears its ugly head when I've been failing to cope with the panic/anxiety. I'm in therapy - but I'm actually pissed at my therapist because all he does is tell me to read self-help books. He's nice and all, but I don't think he's helpful. My shrink is really helpful, though. She's thoughtful and understanding and tells me that I don't have to be a martyr.

I have what's known as an intermittent FMLA at work. Somewhere along the way, someone thought it was for irritable bowel syndrome. First of all, it's not for that and I don't know how or where that rumor started. Second of all, it's not anyone's business. I've managed to stay out of the hospital since I've been diagnosed with the help of medication and my shitty therapist. He's not that bad, just really relies on too many self-help books. Plus just knowing that he and my shrink really understand what I am coping with is helpful.

Maybe it was my mistake thinking that I could trust people that I work with to be compassionate or at the very least tolerant. My mistake. I broke my own rule about trusting people.

And I get it. If I have to take a day off, it sucks. I don't want to have to stay home from means that I'm having a terrifying day and I can't function for fear that something terrible will happen. Rational reasoning doesn't exist on days like that. All I can do is take my meds and sleep it off until it passes.

Which brings me to my point: I'm not lazy, and it's not pleasurable to have this disorder. I wish like hell that I didn't have this stupid FMLA but it's there to protect me. It's funny when I hear people at work say they want one; like it's a free pass to take a vacation day. Do what you want with it, but that's not what it's for and that's not why I have it. Trust me...I wish I could just get rid of the fucking thing, but it's there to protect my job. My hope is that one day, this will be under enough control that I can just forget about it. The problem is, just when I think I've made progress, someone says or posts something that whether or not it's directed at me, I take it personally. And for someone with panic/anxiety the last thing I need is to feel betrayed by people that I genuinely care about.

I'm guilty of bitching about people taking an FMLA day, too. I've curtailed that attitude since needing one myself. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. The knives in the back are really painful. And I've ever stabbed someone else in the back, I'm truly sorry. Maybe this is retribution for my own past gossipy behavior...It's very painful, that much I know. It's certainly taught me to mind my mouth and find only the best in people. I have to; it's part of my healing.

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